just come out here and I will go home with you...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
