please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Randomize
