when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
