Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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