The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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