Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
