no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
