I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
