Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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