You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
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