And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
