WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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