So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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