Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
