i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
