We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
