So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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