Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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