Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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