It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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