Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I deserve this hangover.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
