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Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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