Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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