I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
