I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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