Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Randomize
