Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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