operation have a gay friend backfired
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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