Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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