u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
