Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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