It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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