the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
