really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
