i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
