I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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