I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
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i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
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He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.