dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
