My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
