How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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