1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
