A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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