If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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