Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
