why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
