you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
