I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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