i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
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