I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
