He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
this just has baby written all over it
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
