Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
