I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
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ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
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I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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