so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
