I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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