Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
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If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
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I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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