bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
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He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
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It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.