How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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