I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
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Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
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It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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