my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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