Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
